I’m in love with Edward Cullen. If you who haven’t read Stephenie Meyer’s mesmerizing novels, Twilight, New Moon, or the just-released Eclipse, you not only have no idea who I’m talking about, you can’t possibly understand the depth of my feelings. Seriously, I haven’t been this obsessed with an imaginary man since Rhett Butler stared up at Scarlett from the bottom of the staircase at Twelve Oaks when I was supposed to be listening to my history teacher in sixth grade.
In fact, I’m so in love with Edward that I’ve decided to ignore all the pesky little details that might interfere with our relationship, like that he’s a vampire, or that I’m married, or that he’s not actually a real person.
INTERRUPTION: The Starbucks guys just gave me a piece of paper that says “We love you. Get well soon.” Hmmmn. I wonder if that’s code for “Get the hell out,” since I’ve been sitting at this table for almost seven hours. Oh, well. It’s almost closing time now, so I don’t suppose it really matters.
Back to Edward—how could you NOT be in love with him? He’s gorgeous, rich, brilliant, attentive, has impeccable manners, a tortured conscience, and plays the piano. And if that isn’t enough to make you smitten with him, consider this: HE EVEN HAS BEAUTIFUL HANDWRITING. How many guys do you know who have beautiful handwriting? Here’s how many I know–ZERO. Which is also the number of men who think I’m as fascinating as Edward finds Bella. Which is EXACTLY the reason why I (and probably every other girl) are so enthralled with him. It’s every woman’s fantasy for a beautiful, perfect man to hang on her every word and never get mad at her, no matter how many times she runs over her new cell phone with the car, or drops the replacement for the new cell phone in a vanilla latte, or accidentally flips the T.V. remote into a glass of water. Not that I have ever done any of those things, of course. Those were strictly hypothetical situations. Yeah . . .
Anyway, I’m a little embarassed to admit this, but Edward isn’t my first boyfriend. Not anywhere close. I have a LONG history of relationships with imaginary/and or real men I’ve never met. Here, in random order, are some of my current and former flames (actually, they’re all current flames since I never totally break up with them):
Harry Connick Jr. –hello, he’s from New Orleans and he plays the piano.
John F. Kennedy Jr. No explanation necessary. And no, I don’t care that he’s dead.
Paul Newman See Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and The Young Philidelphians. Yes, he’s old; I don’t care.
Gale Harold Brian Kinney is my favorite T.V. character EVER.
Julian McMahon Christian Troy is my second-favorite T.V. character EVER.
Bill Clinton I have a thing for men with power, okay? Plus, he’s brilliant. AND, I’ve actually met him. Not to mention stroked his hand inappropriately at a memorial service, right in front of his secret service agents.
Johnny Depp Have you ever SEEN Johhny Depp? Not to mention his movies?
Next time, I’ll reveal all my secret, literary boyfriends (because I know you’re all DYING to know who they are).