Dear Mr. Elephant Who Keeps Leaving “Presents” in Our Yard:

First off, I’d like to express my admiration for your obvious talent at concealment. Not many ten thousand pound animals could hide out so close to a major highway within the city limits and remain undetected. Even the deer, who are actually indigenous to this area, have a hard time staying out of sight so, you know–kudos to you. Who knew elephants had ninja skills?

Of course, a few of our well-meaning friends and family members have suggested that you’re actually a good-sized dog–perhaps a labrador or  maybe a German Shepherd–but we both know that’s just what you want people to think.  Hence the way you broke into the detached garage and ravaged that 20 lb sack of  Purina Dog Chow that belongs to our real dogs. Who, unlike some people, are actually authorized to conduct their business in our yard.

Which, while we’re on the subject, is pretty big. Ten acres, to be exact. Lots and lots of space on which you could leave all kinds of presents and we would never, ever be the wiser. Yet you insist on ”surprising” us with these enormous packages right by the steps to the back door. And by the steps to the front door. And by my car. And on the way to the mailbox. And the sidewalk leading to the porch. And under the hummingbird feeders. Pretty soon our house will be an island surrounded by a sea of your presents.

You’re trying to finger the canine population for your crimes, but we both know that no mere dog is capable of these size gifts. You’re just trying to make people think I’m crazy. But I’m not! I’m not crazy! I’m going to find you Mr. Elephant and expose you to the world. You’ve been warned.

Sincerely,

JL