Ooops.

This is very upsetting. I don’t drink the cola, but I guzzle Sugar Free Red Bull  Energy drink by the gallon.  Starting right after I finish my daily iced coffe from McDonald’s and giant glass of water laced with “Spark,” which I suspect also contains cocaine or some other illegal drug because I can’t stop drinking it, even though it costs $50 a month and tastes like crap.

Incidentally, Sugar Free Red Bull also tastes like crap, yet I’m drawn to it. I can’t live without it. I think about it all the time. I love it so much, I’d marry it. You get the idea.

While we’re on the subject of my embarrasing addictions, let’s talk about The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

First off, let me say that I can’t believe I’m watching this. Yes, I adore the Real Houswewives of New York, but that’s different. That’s women in New York. I don’t even watch the Orange County or Atlanta Housewives, so what’s up with me and these New Jersey chicks? One of the women (Teresa–2nd from left) calls breasts “bubbies,” for heaven’s sake.  And Dina (2nd from right) is so scary I sometimes worry she might actually jump through the television screen and kick my you-know-what. Yet I find them strangely fascinating. Or maybe it’s just that I have no life. I’m not sure.

In other news, Donald Trump finally got around to firing Carrie Prejean.

I have to say, I don’t really get this girl. She’s trying to hold herself out to the world as this sort of spokesperson for “traditional” Christian values (i.e. slamming the gay and lesbian community), yet Fox News just published transcripts of several emails between her and Keith Lewis, the director of the California USA pageant, and they do not present Ms. Prejean in a flattering light. At all. Professionally or grammatically. Here is a sampling:

You do not cooperate with me, and you pick and chose the the things YOU want me to do. That is not happening anymore. Stop speaking for me. I have MY own voice. What are u gonna do fire me for volunteering for the special olympics hahaha ur crazy No I am doing this appearance. You do not need details. Its for the SPECIAL OLYMPICS!!! You just need to know I will be doing it alright

 There are so many things wrong with this e-mail, I don’t even know where to start.  First off, I know e-mail, texting, etc. lends itself to a very informal style of writing–no punctuation, abbrieviations, etc. And that’s fine if you’re writing to your BFF, your mom, the cute guy from the gym, Aunt Martha–you get the idea. However, if you’re communicating about your JOB, you need to put in a little more effort (a LOT more in Ms. Prejean’s case). And make no mistake, being a title holder is a JOB. Especially on the state level. Yes, you get to wear fancy clothes and have your picture taken and (perhaps) go on TV and appear in magazines, but the bottom line is that it’s still a job. In the first line she says you pick and chose (notice “chose” is misspelled) the things YOU want me to do. That is not happening anymore. 

Yeah . . . um, the pageant organization does pick and choose the things a titleholder does. That’s sort of the point. Hence the contract they make you sign when you enter the pageant. Now, that being said, I would certainly expect pageant officials to make every effort to accommodate reasonable requests from a titleholder–like allowing them to volunteer for a Special Olympics event should they wish to do so. But based on Mr. Lewis’s response (below), it appears the California organization was very willing to work with her. 

 Carrie,

Although I do not agree with your directive nor is this letter an indication of our intent to waive our contract rights, we do not want to escalate the situation with you. In good faith, we will simply ask that you provide us all of the details so that we can block it in on our master calendar. We would also want to get the contact information should something come up – like you become missing after the event or you are in an accident before the event and need us to reach out for you. It is for your safety and our responsibility.

Best regards,

Keith Lewis

Notice how his professional, POLITE, e-mail makes her sound even more like a spoiled, hateful 13 year old? I’m not saying that he’s right and she’s wrong or vice-versa. Obviously, I have no idea what goes on behind the scenes of the California USA system. Maybe Keith Lewis is Satan himself. Maybe he boiled Carrie’s pet kitten in a pot. I don’t know. All I’m saying is that because of the unprofessional, rude nature of her written communications, she comes off looking like the bad guy. So let this be a lesson to you, boys and girls. Be polite!! And use proper grammar!!

Megan Berry is a Zombie Settler by birth, which means she’s part-time shrink to a whole bunch of semi-dead people with killer issues. All Megan really wants is to go to homecoming, but when you’re trailed by a bunch of slobbering corpses whenever you leave the house, it’s kinda hard to score a date. Let’s just say Megan’s love life could use some major resuscitation.

Megan’s convinced her life can’t get any worse – until someone in school starts using black magic to turn average, angsty Undead into scary, hardcore flesh-eating Zombies. Now it’s up to Megan to stop the Zombie apocalypse. Her life – and more importantly, the homecoming dance – depends on it.

Sounds awesome doesn’t it?  That’s because it is.  Really.  And Megan’s zombie adventures are going to continue in “Undead Much,” coming early 2010.  And Stacey has ANOTHER zombie book “Boy Eats Girl,” that will be released by Flux in the Spring of 2010.

So, Stacey is the zombie part and I’m the tiara part.  Which duh–you probably already figured out.

This week we’re reviewing Oscar fashions.  Stop by and join the discussion! www.zombiesintiaras.blogspot.com

Fifteen-year-old Megan is a Zombie Settler by birth, which means she’s part-time shrink to a bunch of dead people with a whole lot of issues.

I know I’m supposed to be doing a pageant blog, but–well, I don’t feel like it.  So I’m going to procrastinate and put it off until later.  But that leaves me with nothing to write about.  I suppose I could do New Year’s Resolutions, but, um, those are sort of boring.  I mean, everybodys’ resolutions are always so mundane.  “I’m going to stop smoking,” ”I’m going to lose 20 pounds,” “I’m going to join the gym.”  Just once I wish somebody would say something like, “This year I’m going to quit my job and start a meth lab in my kitchen.”

Okay, so I don’t want somebody to say that, exactly, but you get the idea.  Because to quote Mark Twain–”now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”

Veering totally off the subject, have you seen my boyfriend’s Robert Pattinson’s new hair?

I normally prefer for guys to have short, short, SHORT hair, but now he looks even more like my brother than he did before. (Note to any single girls out there between the ages of 18-25: my brother looks EXACTLY like RP.) Which is seriously screwing up my fantasy life.  How can he be my imaginary boyfriend if he insists on looking like my brother?  It’s so insensitive of him.  Really, it’s like he thinks that just because he doesn’t know I exist he doesn’t have to consider my feelings at all.

In other guy news, I’m adding a new feature to my site–A real, live guy!!  No, really.  I have totally tricked asked an actual living, breathing, high school guy to start blogging on here.  We’re going to call him *Joe.*  

Actually, that’s really his name.  Joe.  I didn’t make that up to protect his identity or anything.  

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to have a) a guy’s perspective; and b) a teenager’s perspective.  So, you know, it’s like killing two birds with one stone.  Plus, I’m not the most reliable blogger, so hopefully Joe will take up some of my slack.  Thus, without further ado, heeeeeeeeere’s JOE!!  (assuming I can figure out how to post his blog)
    

The short answer is–well, it depends on who you ask.  The long answer, like Robert Pattinson’s (aka my new boyfriend) hair, is much more complicated. 

First off, the average person (i.e. non-pageant person) doesn’t even know there’s a difference between Miss America and Miss USA.  They think she’s the same person.  Girls in sparkly tiaras pretty much all look alike to Joe Blow on the street.  But as any pageant girl who has competed for longer than two seconds will tell you, there is a HUGE difference between the America/USA systems.  And a huge rivalry.  America thinks USA is just a bunch of dumb bimbos being pimped out by Donald Trump and USA thinks America is just a bunch of condescending, plain-Janes who can’t stand it because their prestigous “talent” component got them kicked off TV.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  I haven’t explained how the two systems are different.  Basically, Miss America is a non-profit organization that offers academic scholarships as prizes.  In fact, Miss America is the largest provider of college scholarships to women in the United States.  To this end, talent and interview make up more than half of a contestant’s score with swimsuit and evening gown only accounting for about 35 percent.  Hence why America prefers to be called a “scholarship” pageant rather than a “beauty” pageant.  Additionally, each contestant in the America system is expected to have a “platform–” a declared commitment to a social problem as demonstrated by community service related to that problem.  Girls pick all sorts of platforms–organ donation, cancer prevention, AIDs, seat-belt safety, eating disorders, volunteerism, gun safety, keeping art programs in schools.  The possibilities are virtually endless.  Then, if a girl wins her title, she promotes that platform during the year of her reign.

*A note on titles (local, state, and national) Getting to Miss America, or its little sister, Miss America Outstanding Teen isn’t easy.  First, you have to win a preliminary (local) pageant that will enable you to go on and compete in your state pageant.  Which, if you live in a super-competitive state like Oklahoma/Arkansas/Texas, etc. will be chock-full of girls with amazing talents, amazing wardrobes, and community service records that make Mother Teresa look like Paris Hilton. (Okay, so MT/PH is a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea.)  If you manage to score higher than these 30 to 40 other girls and win the state title, you go on to compete for Miss America.  Or Miss America Outstanding Teen, depending on your age group. **

Miss USA, on the other hand, is a business, which–unless you’ve been living on a deserted island–you probably already know is owned by Donald Trump (50/50 with NBC, if I understand correctly). Like America, USA contestants compete in swimsuit, evening gown, and interview, but there is no talent component and girls do not have to have a social platform.  The Miss USA organization does do charitable work, but the causes they support are selected by the organization itself, not titleholders.  Susan G. Kormen, USO, Habitat for Humanity–things like that.  In addition to getting major loot, the winners of Miss USA, Miss Teen USA, and Miss Universe (also owned by The Donald) get to live together in an apartment in New York.  Sound familiar?  That’s because last year, the three title-holders had their very own show, Pageant Place, on MTV.

SO funny.  And disturbing.  If you haven’t seen it, you should totally click on the link and watch a few episodes.  After you read Crowned, of course.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder as the saying goes, but generally the girls in USA are more model-esque than the girls in America.  USA girls are more like what you’d see in a magazine, whereas America girls are more the girl-next-door type. 

So there you have it.  A very simplistic and superficial overview of the differences between the two systems.  Now that’s out of the way, next time we can get down to the good stuff.  Can you say cocaine, nude pictures, and blackmail?

Speaking of scandals and beauty queens, the pageant world has had quite a tumultuous time over the past few years.   Seriously–when E! makes a show called Beauty Queens Gone Wrong: 15 Shocking Pageant Scandals, you know something is up.  So, over the next couple of weeks I thought it would be interesting to talk about some of these scandals, as well as the good, positive aspects of pageants.  Because for all the bad stuff you hear about, there is just as much good.  At least, I assume there is!  If there are any pageant girls out there, I’d love to hear your opinions.  In the meantime, check out the Crowned cover and info below!