Oprah and John Tesh dated?! Apparently it’s true, but I just can’t see it. Do you think he sang to her?

Really BombshellNaziorwhateveryournameis? You’re apologizing to Sandra Bullock? I’m sure she feels so much better. Especially since your apology is probably exactly as sincere as Jesse James’ attempt to get rehabbed for “sex addiction.”

I need a new imaginary boyfriend. Suggestions anyone?

So, in the interest of being a better blogger, I thought it might be fun to start doing a weekly (monthly?) roundup of random, interesting news articles. Naturally, by “interesting” I mean scandalous/pointless/gossipy stuff, preferably involving celebrities.

For example, has everybody heard the big news? Kate Gosselin got new hair.

Or rather, as the LA times blog put it (much more succintly) “The Hedgehog is Dead.” LOL. Except . . . I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I almost think she looked better with the hedgehog. That was her thing, you know? I mean, besides the eight kids, bitchy vibe, & smarmy ex-husband. The hedgehog was her trademark. Now she’s just another chick with blond extensions. I didn’t even recognize her until I read the headline. Although she does look less like a scary psycho soccer mom who is just waiting for you to fall asleep so she can stab you with one of her Pampered Chef knives, which is probably a good thing if she’s really “making room for romance.” I think she and Marilyn Manson would make a good match.

China Builds Women Only Parking Lot

(From BBC) A shopping centre in China’s Hebei province has built a car park with wider spaces that it says is designed especially to suit women drivers. The women-only car park in Shijiazhuang city is also painted in pink and light purple to appeal to female tastes. The parking bays are one metre (3ft) wider than normal spaces . . .The Wanxiang-Tiancheng shopping centre had also “installed signs and security monitoring equipment that corresponded more to women’s needs” . . . The Global Times website says female parking attendants have been trained to help guide women drivers into their parking spaces. The bays also have extra lighting.

Some People may consider this concept sexist, but personally I think it’s THE MOST AWESOME THING EVER. Giant pink and purple parking spaces just for girls? Sign me up. Who cares if it seems chauvanistic? Not me. I freely admit I can’t park. Other people freely admit it too, as evidenced by the  concerned motorist who left a helpful note under my windshield at Olive Garden that said: Learn how to park you stupid idiot!! (prompting my then-4 year old daughter to exclaim,”Wow, Mommy! I didn’t know you were a stupid idiot!”)

Ditto for the female parking attendants and extra security lights. I’m all over it. How could you not be? You never hear about a guy getting kidnapped from the mall parking lot. It’s always some poor woman who gets snatched outside the food court and stuffed in a trunk, never to be seen again. This idea isn’t sexist; it’s just good sense.

In fact, I like the whole “women-only” thing so much, I think they should extend it to other areas of life. Like grocery stores. Specifically, the jars they sell at grocery stores. You know, the ones that an enormous robot apparently welds shut with super-glue and a flamethrower back at the factory? They usually hold pickles or pasta sauce or the strawberry jam I would really like to put on my toast except I don’t keep enough dynamite around the house to get the lid off?

It would be so great if they could give some of those bright pink and purple easy twist-off lids and put them in a special “Women Only” aisle. I thought getting married would solve this problem, but it turns out my husband isn’t keen on staying home 24/7 in case I need a jar opened. He also doesn’t like being awakened at 2 in the morning to unscrew the lid from the Peter Pan jar either. I’m not sure why. So having special “Girls Only” jars would help him too. It’s a win-win situation.

Parents Arrested for Tattooing Children

(FromChattanooga Times Free Press) Two Chattooga County parents have been released on bond after charges that they tattooed six children with a homemade contraption consisting of electrical cord, spliced wiring and a guitar string for a needle . . . Both Ms. Marsh and Mr. Bartels were tattooed with the device and, on the same day, six of their children — a 10-year-old, two 11-year-olds, a 12-year-old, a 15-year-old and a 17-year-old — also were tattooed, the sheriff said . . . the only person not tattooed was a 7-year-old boy. . . They said he was too young,” the sheriff said. . . All six children were tattooed with the same needle, in the same way and on the same place on their bodies.

“Electrical cord, spliced wiring, and a GUITAR STRING string for a needle??!!” Are you serious?? These people are actually allowed to go about in the world unchaperoned? Because I’m pretty sure you have to have the IQ of a goldfish to do something that spectacularly dumb. And reckless. It’s bad enough they used a guitar string as a needle but using the same guitar string on ALL SIX KIDS? Have these people never heard of germs? It’s 2010, not the middle ages. I thought everyone over the age of 5 understood the basic concept of how diseases are spread. Even if they’d used a brand new, hygenic tattoo machine with disposable needles the whole thing would still be so, so wrong, but man . . . why not just skip the tattoo part and drink each other’s blood, or go down to the local hospital and lick some bedpans? Geesh.

And that’s all for now. More ranting next week.

xoxo
Julie

It’s that time of year again boys and girls! Time to return to the hallowed halls of learning. School is back in session!

A part of me is nostalgic for those days–the nervous excitement as I waited in line to get my class schedule (please let me get lunch period with my friends) and locker assignment (pleeeeease don’t let me get a bottom locker underneath the fat guy with a flatulence problem). And another part of me is silently going “Thank God that’s over. I clawed my way out of the 9th circle of hell and lived to tell about it.”

Dramatic much, you say?

Mmmm…maybe, but I don’t think so. In fact, according to a recent study by the I’mtotallymakingthisup Institute, if forced to choose between returning to high school or being locked in a small room with Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag for  24 hours, 98% of high school graduates would opt for Speidi.

My friends, if that doesn’t prove high school can cause some serious trauma, I don’t know what does.

There are refugees who would rather go back to their war torn homelands than be in a small enclosed space with these . . . people? (Has anybody confirmed that Heidi and Spencer are actual humans? Because I’m not entirely convinced they aren’t sophisticated Japanese robots.)

So yes, high school can and does suck. Sometimes a lot. Mean girls, mean boys, idiot teachers, bullies, guys who break your heart–or worse–don’t notice you exist, cliques, homework, peer pressure–it’s all there. Anybody who tries to tell you different is lying. Or was homeschooled. 

On the flip side, though, high school can also be awesome. For all the usual reasons, but sometimes in a weird way its suckiness is what makes it awesome. You and your friends are all in it together, for better or worse. You know, like prison, or forced labor camp.

It’s hard to express the exact sentiment in a blog. So your homework assignment for this week is to obtain a copy of  The Breakfast Club, otherwise known as the best high school movie of all time, and watch it. Sure, it’s over 20 years old, but I promise you–it’s still relevant and you won’t be sorry. Plus, there will be a pop quiz on Monday. 

Ooh, Ooh! Me too! Sarah, sue me! Pick me!

That. Would. Be. SO AWESOME!!!!!

There’s just one catch: I’m not a political blogger, and I haven’t “defamed” her. (Okay, so that’s two catches. I’ve never been good at math. )

But this is America, people. The land where anything is possible, the country where you can make all your dreams come true if you work hard enough. And if Sarah Palin, on the 4th of July, can threaten to sue the press for being, er, the press then I believe that if I buckle down and give it my all, I can get her to sue me too! Think about the rewards–I’d never have to worry about marketing or publicity again! My book sales would spike! I could write a book about it when it was all over! The possibilities are endless!

Julie’s To-Do List for the week

1.) Become important political blogger.

2.) Dig out old law books and look up “defamation.”

3.) Invent fantastical, unflattering story about Sarah Palin (possibly Todd too?) that will make her sue me.

4.) Buy dog food. And apples.

Back to the recently deceased–Unlike Ed, Michael Jackson definitely qualifies as a tragedy. Ahhh, Michael Jackson. It sounds so trite because everybody keeps saying it over and over again, but he really did define a generation. My generation. Kids who grew up in the 80’s. I remember in 4th grade when all the girls were carrying these leather drawstring Michael Jackson purses. I wanted one SO BAD. A light purple one. I’ve been trying to find a pic on the internet, but the closest I’ve found is this:

Which, I’m sorry, is SO not as cool as the purse I’m talking about. And guess who is kicking herself now? That’s right–my mom because the cool purse would be worth, like, a thousand dollars now. See Mom? I TOLD you you should have bought it for me. But noooooooooo.

Although I didn’t have the awesome purse (sniff sniff) I did have the Thriller album, which I played on my blue record player. A record player!!! I am so old.

This is the Thriller album cover and when you opened it up it stretched out so you could see his legs too. I hung it up on my wall, but my dad made me take it down because Michael Jackson was black and good little Southern girls did not have pictures of black boys hanging up in their bedrooms. In fact, he was mad at my mom for even buying it for me. But my mom didn’t care because she liked MJ too. Even though she didn’t buy me the purse. Not that I still think about that. That would be sick and unhealthy.

RIP, Michael.