If you are the cattle owner across the street and he was bothering your herd, thank you. I respect you for shooting him in the leg instead of mortally wounding him.

I mean that sincerely. You would have been well within your legal rights to kill him, and you didn’t. Thank you. Please accept my sincere apology for any trouble he caused. We did not realize he was still going onto your property. We will strive to make sure it does not happen again.

If you are NOT the cattle owner across the street, and you shot our dog because you are bored / cruel / a budding serial killer, you stink. If I knew who you were and had magical witch powers, I would make a voodoo doll of you & jab a straight pin right through the knee so that you would be in as much pain as Blue.

I mean that sincerely. You are lame. Which, incidentally, is what Blue will be if the vet has to amputate his leg tomorrow.

Sincerely,
Me

My name is Julie. I am thirty-four 19 years  old. My favorite subject is TV. I have at least not killed or maimed anyone been a very good girl this year. I know a lot of people are out of work right now and that our greedy, materialistic American ways are partly to blame, so this year I am only asking for two presents.

1. A cupcake car

 2. ICON A5 His and Hers Sports Aircraft

 If your elves are too busy to make them, you can buy them at Neiman Marcus. Here are the details.

Customized Cupcake Car 

Put on your matching hat, slip under the muffin top of your Cupcake Car, and let the world figure itself out for awhile. Get (or give) the sheer, joyful chaos of a gift that is mind-blowing, triple-dog-dare, double-infinity forever cool. Make the kids or grandkids literally squeal with joy. Bring it to work and buzz the breakroom. Crash parades! Putter about the ‘hood. Ever had a crowd of kids chasing after you just for the crazy gleeful heck of it? (No worries, the top speed is a comfy-safe 7 mph) What’s it made of? A 24-volt electric motor, a heavy-duty battery, sheet metal, wire, fabric, wood…and mad genius. Launched at Burning ManSM as a cooperative art car project, the Cupcake Car sprang from the fevered mind of Bay Area artist Lisa Pongrace and her less-rules-more-laughs posse of artists and techno geeks. Yours will be tricked out with your favorite topping, so start thinking flavors.
$25,000.00

His & Hers 

May we officially present our exclusive 2009 His & Hers gift package: the game-changing ICON A5 sports aircraft. It’s from a world-class team of engineers and designers who helped create the groundbreaking Virgin® Global Flyer and X Prize®-winning SpaceShipOne® (among other things). It’s been rigorously tested, meets or exceeds all FAA standards, production is about to begin, and the waiting list is stacking way up. Here are just ten of it’s “WOW!” factors: 1) An amphibious hull and landing gear to take off and land just as easily on water as on land. 2) The ability to run on automotive gasoline or aviation fuel. 3) A sexy, streamlined two-seat interior with intuitive controls, including 4) FAA-approved flight instrumentation and 5) a state-of-the-art GPS system, so you don’t get lost. 6) A range of 345 land miles or 300 nautical miles. 7) A next-generation lightweight carbon fiber frame. 8) Spy-movie wings that rotate up and fold back out of the way. 9) Removable side windows to dangle your arms out into the wind and sun. 10) A custom, high-tech trailer for fast and easy loading and unloading from land or water. Your package includes one ICON A5 sport aircraft with NM exclusive exterior and interior luxury upgrades, a custom trailer, and full FAA-certified Sport Pilot License training for two. Load “your” song onto an MP3 player and slip it into the dashboard dock and there it is, the perfect way to float through the clouds, just the two of you.

$250,000.00

Thank you so much!

Love,

Julie

First off, I’d like to express my admiration for your obvious talent at concealment. Not many ten thousand pound animals could hide out so close to a major highway within the city limits and remain undetected. Even the deer, who are actually indigenous to this area, have a hard time staying out of sight so, you know–kudos to you. Who knew elephants had ninja skills?

Of course, a few of our well-meaning friends and family members have suggested that you’re actually a good-sized dog–perhaps a labrador or  maybe a German Shepherd–but we both know that’s just what you want people to think.  Hence the way you broke into the detached garage and ravaged that 20 lb sack of  Purina Dog Chow that belongs to our real dogs. Who, unlike some people, are actually authorized to conduct their business in our yard.

Which, while we’re on the subject, is pretty big. Ten acres, to be exact. Lots and lots of space on which you could leave all kinds of presents and we would never, ever be the wiser. Yet you insist on ”surprising” us with these enormous packages right by the steps to the back door. And by the steps to the front door. And by my car. And on the way to the mailbox. And the sidewalk leading to the porch. And under the hummingbird feeders. Pretty soon our house will be an island surrounded by a sea of your presents.

You’re trying to finger the canine population for your crimes, but we both know that no mere dog is capable of these size gifts. You’re just trying to make people think I’m crazy. But I’m not! I’m not crazy! I’m going to find you Mr. Elephant and expose you to the world. You’ve been warned.

Sincerely,

JL