Awesomeness Alert!!! JULIET IMMORTAL by Stacey Jay, my dear friend and writing partner, hits bookshelves August 9th!! 

I can’t recommend this story highly enough and not just because it’s dedicated to me (although it is and I will be honest–having a book dedicated to you is pretty awesome). I loved this story WAY before it was a “real” book, before it was even a book deal. Let me tell you why:

Because Romeo and Juliet (yes, the Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare) is lame. There. I said it. Somewhere, right now, a University official has started proceedings to revoke my English degree. But it’s true! Yes, Shakespeare is a master of language and brilliant and who am I to critique him, blah, blah, blah, but that doesn’t make R & J any less lame. Think about it. Juliet killed herself over a guy she knew for less than a week! That’s not romantic. That’s . . . crazy. And Romeo–don’t even get me started on him. He didn’t love Juliet. He was in love with the idea of being in love. (Hello, Rosaline, anyone?)

Enter Stacey and her awesome creative powers. She has crafted an entirely new kind of Juliet, a Juliet who is brave, and strong, and makes me proud to be a girl instead of want to vomit. I urge everyone to check it out–even if you love the original R & J.

Here is the “official” description:

 ”These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume.”
—Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

The most tragic love story in history . . .

Juliet Capulet didn’t take her own life. She was murdered by the person she trusted most, her new husband, Romeo Montague, a sacrifice made to ensure his own immortality. But what Romeo didn’t anticipate was that Juliet would be granted eternity, as well, and would become an agent for the Ambassadors of Light. For 700 years, she’s fought Romeo for the souls of true lovers, struggling to preserve romantic love and the lives of the innocent. Until the day she meets someone she’s forbidden to love, and Romeo, oh Romeo, will do everything in his power to destroy that love.

If you are the cattle owner across the street and he was bothering your herd, thank you. I respect you for shooting him in the leg instead of mortally wounding him.

I mean that sincerely. You would have been well within your legal rights to kill him, and you didn’t. Thank you. Please accept my sincere apology for any trouble he caused. We did not realize he was still going onto your property. We will strive to make sure it does not happen again.

If you are NOT the cattle owner across the street, and you shot our dog because you are bored / cruel / a budding serial killer, you stink. If I knew who you were and had magical witch powers, I would make a voodoo doll of you & jab a straight pin right through the knee so that you would be in as much pain as Blue.

I mean that sincerely. You are lame. Which, incidentally, is what Blue will be if the vet has to amputate his leg tomorrow.

Sincerely,
Me

Reason Number One:I like dress clothes. Unlike (by my scientific calculations) the majority of my authorly peers, I do not like wearing sweat pants. Or sweatshirts. Or flannel pajama bottoms. Or tee shirts. Or jeans, even, unless they are designer and paired with high heels. In the writing world, this is odd. If asked to list the top 5 perks of being an author, almost all writers will put “working in my pajamas”–if not at the very top–somewhere close.

Not me! I liketo get dressed up every day. And (according to my mother’s calculations), I only have 5 more years before I turn into a shriveled old hag who should spend her days hiding in a dark house, interacting only with cats.* So, with my vanity-clock tick-tock, tick-tocking away, I have succumbed to the pressure of joining the “real” world.

* With proper plastic surgery and regular maintenance, this deadline could be extended 10- 15 years.     

Reason Number Two: Hurry up and Wait. Publishing involves a mind boggling, soul-crushing amount of waiting. And rejection. And waiting. And rejection. Did I mention rejection? From the editor who phones you up to discuss your “great” story idea then falls off the face of the earth to the editor who won’t even look at a manuscript that isn’t paranormal, surviving the publishing industry requires an incredible amount of mental fortitude. And while skin can definitely be toughened (I know mine has), it’s a rare person who can withstand the ebbs and flows of the publishing waters alone. That’s why writing organizations like Romance Writers of America  are indispensable to the serious writer. They are wonderful sources not only for information, but emotional support. And for some, that’s all it takes. A few good friends, an understanding critique partner, several pounds of chocolate and the bad cover or careless rejection or whatever is bothering them is dealt with and forgotten. Me? Not so much. Because I have to obsess. Not that I would ever admit to the obsessing, and certainly I’d rather die than confront someone (like the editor who fell off the face of the earth). I’m waaaay to southern for that. I’m a silent obsessor, which is a quick way to wrinkles and nervous tics. Unless I am too busy to obsess. Hence, practicing law.

Reason Number Three: Because what better way to get new material to write about? Duh.

This prompted much sobbing, wailing, frantic sign making, and neighborhood canvassing by me and my 11 year old daughter, but all that accomplished was a) a whole bunch of people said this: “Oh, you have a Chihuahua? We have a Chihuahua/Pomeranian/Yorkie______(insert breed of small dog). But we WATCH our dog.” The implication being that if only I wasn’t such a negligent pet owner, my dog wouldn’t have been lost; and b) a guy got my phone # off a flyer and started texting me, wanting to know if he could “comfort” me.

Not. Even. Kidding. I now know exactly how sick, twisted, and freaking INSANE 99.9% of the population is. Especially when there is a $500 reward involved.

This is Danny. Isn’t he cute? He hates everyone, especially men and small children. He bites, has a skin condition, and weird toenail growths. If anyone has seen him, I am still offering a $500 reward. My husband is offering a $1,000 reward for you NOT to bring him back.

After the Great Danny Disappearance of 2010, I read a lot of articles on Dealing with the Loss of Your Pet and How to Help Your Child Deal with the Loss of a Pet. All of these articles said absolutely, positively DON’T attempt to comfort yourself/your child by immediately running out and buying another pet. Therefore, I immediately ran out and bought another pet. Because, seriously–what kind of an idiot wrote that?

This is Jasper, the replacement Chi. He likes everyone, doesn’t bite and has a shiny coat and perfect toenails that look like they are French manicured.

You would think one Pet Tragedy per summer would be the limit, but no, not in our house. Just 2 short weeks after the Danny Disappearance/Jasper Replacement, my husband calls me from his cell phone. While heading out of town on a bike ride, he had come across a tiny kitten stumbling along the side of the highway, BEING EATEN BY GREEN FLIES EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T DEAD. Its eyes, specifically, were the part being eaten. I would post a pic, but it’s too disturbing and graphic. Thus, my daughter and I jump in the car, collect the kitten and rush it to the vet. $200 bucks later, the kitten has been poked, prodded, washed, hydrated, dosed with various medicines and wrapped in a towel. The vet assures us the kitten will be fine, gives my daughter the “St. Francis” award, and sends us on our way. We go home, name the kitten Francis, and my daughter spends the weekend nursing it with a bottle, wrapping it in blankets, singing to it, etc. You get the idea. Monday morning–bam. The kitten is dead.

But wait. It get’s better. THEN, a few days later, we go to my husband’s parents’ farm in Oklahoma. And my father-in-law (who owns many, many dogs) tells my daughter that someone has just dumped off an adorable, teeny-tiny dog (because people are always dumping off dogs at their house), and does she want to see it? Of course she does! So do I! So she helps him fix up some food for the adorable, teeny-tiny dog and we trek across the street to the barn where he has left the dog penned up in a room with some of his other dogs. And we walk into the room just in time to see the adorable, teeny-tiny dog being mauled to death by the other dogs! I’m talking ripped to shreds, complete with its head dangling from its neck. Except somehow it wasn’t dead! Because God hates me, apparently. We got to watch it take its last, horrifying, pain-filled breaths.

And now I’m pretty sure my daughter is permanently scarred. I know I am.

We decided to get away from all the pet death by going to Branson, Missouri. Branson is where famous people go to perform when they are not famous anymore. Apparently it’s also where famous people go to perform when they are not alive anymore because I saw lots of signs for Elvis and Michael Jackson. We didn’t go see any dead people or not-famous people, however. We went to Dolly Parton’s Dixie Stampede. I cannot even describe what the Dixie Stampede is like. It’s awesome. In a scary, Sarah Palin, white, overweight, overprivileged,Republican way.

This is what they serve you to eat at the Dixie Stampede. An ENTIRE chicken. Seriously, this is my actual chicken. They also serve you a slab of pork, an enormous potato, a cauldron of creamy vegetable soup, biscuits, and an apple turnover the size of my head. Drinks are either Pepsi or tea, and silverware is not allowed. Basically, my caloric intake for a week. I felt very wasteful. But then there were cups shaped like cowboy boots and girls in hoop skirts and ponies and pig races and singing and dancing and I forgot all about my pesky social conscience. And at the end, Dolly sang “God Bless America” and all the riders came out wearing light-up costumes just like Robert Redford in The Electric Horseman and when they lined up the costumes made the American flag and… sniff, sniff…it was just so beautiful.

And then on the way out my brother-in-law paid $40 for a stick horse he could have gotten at Wal-mart for $10. Sucker.

After Branson, Kate Perry and I headed to Walt Disney World for the annual RWA conference. The RWA conference is where we super-important authors go to do super-important authorly things. Like try on princess Minnie Mouse ears.

Doesn’t Kate look adorable?

We also go there to win important awards.

Me with Simone Elkeles whose book, Perfect Chemistry, won the Rita for Best Young Adult Romance!!!!

After RWA, Kate came back to my house to continue her annual visit to Arkansas. You see, she lives in San Francisco (and other boring places like Madrid and Buenos Aires), where nothing much exciting happens and there’s nothing to see or do. So every year, I take pity on her and let her come here. Where she can spice up her life.

By sitting in giant chairs

cavorting with monkeys

being Jurrasic Park’d

and finding true love.

After Kate went back to California (and continuing with the Pet Tragedy theme), I accidentally poisoned our cats. Don’t ask. The good news is that they lived and I am only $575 dollars poorer.

We thought things might settle down after the near-fatal poisoning, but my sister decided 9 months was long enough and went into labor.

Jax Allen Rose was born on August 23rd!! And he’s already bad-ass, as you can see from his Harley shirt, beanie, and socks. Plus, he’s named after Charlie Hunnam’s character, Jax Teller, on Sons of Anarchy.

Incidentally, Charlie Hunnam is my newest imaginary boyfriend.

And that is what I did on my summer vacation.

The End.

Oprah and John Tesh dated?! Apparently it’s true, but I just can’t see it. Do you think he sang to her?

Really BombshellNaziorwhateveryournameis? You’re apologizing to Sandra Bullock? I’m sure she feels so much better. Especially since your apology is probably exactly as sincere as Jesse James’ attempt to get rehabbed for “sex addiction.”

I need a new imaginary boyfriend. Suggestions anyone?

See?? It’s a vicious cycle!

Today, however, is a good day because I not only have TWO worthwhile things to blog about, they happen to be amazingly awesome as well.

First, my critique partner, Stacey Jay’s, awesome new book is out!

Isn’t this the most adorable cover ever??!!  It’s almost as cute as the cover of the first book in the Megan Berry series–

See? It’s like cuteness squared (cuteness ²? I told you I pretty much flunked all subjects involving numbers. Probably because I was too busy reading the romance novels stashed inside my math book). Anyway, think how cute these would look standing side by side on your bookshelf! And they are totally not just all cover. Both books are so, so fun. And I’m not just saying that because Stacey is my critique partner and I get to make fun of her giant clown mouth. Hello? That’s WHY she’s my CP, because she writes totally awesome stories. Duh. Who wants a crappy CP?

Too read more about Undead, go to our blog Zombies in Tiaras!

Second, Rhonda Stapleton has a new book out too, and its cover is equally adorable!

So, in the interest of being a better blogger, I thought it might be fun to start doing a weekly (monthly?) roundup of random, interesting news articles. Naturally, by “interesting” I mean scandalous/pointless/gossipy stuff, preferably involving celebrities.

For example, has everybody heard the big news? Kate Gosselin got new hair.

Or rather, as the LA times blog put it (much more succintly) “The Hedgehog is Dead.” LOL. Except . . . I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I almost think she looked better with the hedgehog. That was her thing, you know? I mean, besides the eight kids, bitchy vibe, & smarmy ex-husband. The hedgehog was her trademark. Now she’s just another chick with blond extensions. I didn’t even recognize her until I read the headline. Although she does look less like a scary psycho soccer mom who is just waiting for you to fall asleep so she can stab you with one of her Pampered Chef knives, which is probably a good thing if she’s really “making room for romance.” I think she and Marilyn Manson would make a good match.

China Builds Women Only Parking Lot

(From BBC) A shopping centre in China’s Hebei province has built a car park with wider spaces that it says is designed especially to suit women drivers. The women-only car park in Shijiazhuang city is also painted in pink and light purple to appeal to female tastes. The parking bays are one metre (3ft) wider than normal spaces . . .The Wanxiang-Tiancheng shopping centre had also “installed signs and security monitoring equipment that corresponded more to women’s needs” . . . The Global Times website says female parking attendants have been trained to help guide women drivers into their parking spaces. The bays also have extra lighting.

Some People may consider this concept sexist, but personally I think it’s THE MOST AWESOME THING EVER. Giant pink and purple parking spaces just for girls? Sign me up. Who cares if it seems chauvanistic? Not me. I freely admit I can’t park. Other people freely admit it too, as evidenced by the  concerned motorist who left a helpful note under my windshield at Olive Garden that said: Learn how to park you stupid idiot!! (prompting my then-4 year old daughter to exclaim,”Wow, Mommy! I didn’t know you were a stupid idiot!”)

Ditto for the female parking attendants and extra security lights. I’m all over it. How could you not be? You never hear about a guy getting kidnapped from the mall parking lot. It’s always some poor woman who gets snatched outside the food court and stuffed in a trunk, never to be seen again. This idea isn’t sexist; it’s just good sense.

In fact, I like the whole “women-only” thing so much, I think they should extend it to other areas of life. Like grocery stores. Specifically, the jars they sell at grocery stores. You know, the ones that an enormous robot apparently welds shut with super-glue and a flamethrower back at the factory? They usually hold pickles or pasta sauce or the strawberry jam I would really like to put on my toast except I don’t keep enough dynamite around the house to get the lid off?

It would be so great if they could give some of those bright pink and purple easy twist-off lids and put them in a special “Women Only” aisle. I thought getting married would solve this problem, but it turns out my husband isn’t keen on staying home 24/7 in case I need a jar opened. He also doesn’t like being awakened at 2 in the morning to unscrew the lid from the Peter Pan jar either. I’m not sure why. So having special “Girls Only” jars would help him too. It’s a win-win situation.

Parents Arrested for Tattooing Children

(FromChattanooga Times Free Press) Two Chattooga County parents have been released on bond after charges that they tattooed six children with a homemade contraption consisting of electrical cord, spliced wiring and a guitar string for a needle . . . Both Ms. Marsh and Mr. Bartels were tattooed with the device and, on the same day, six of their children — a 10-year-old, two 11-year-olds, a 12-year-old, a 15-year-old and a 17-year-old — also were tattooed, the sheriff said . . . the only person not tattooed was a 7-year-old boy. . . They said he was too young,” the sheriff said. . . All six children were tattooed with the same needle, in the same way and on the same place on their bodies.

“Electrical cord, spliced wiring, and a GUITAR STRING string for a needle??!!” Are you serious?? These people are actually allowed to go about in the world unchaperoned? Because I’m pretty sure you have to have the IQ of a goldfish to do something that spectacularly dumb. And reckless. It’s bad enough they used a guitar string as a needle but using the same guitar string on ALL SIX KIDS? Have these people never heard of germs? It’s 2010, not the middle ages. I thought everyone over the age of 5 understood the basic concept of how diseases are spread. Even if they’d used a brand new, hygenic tattoo machine with disposable needles the whole thing would still be so, so wrong, but man . . . why not just skip the tattoo part and drink each other’s blood, or go down to the local hospital and lick some bedpans? Geesh.

And that’s all for now. More ranting next week.

xoxo
Julie

My name is Julie. I am thirty-four 19 years  old. My favorite subject is TV. I have at least not killed or maimed anyone been a very good girl this year. I know a lot of people are out of work right now and that our greedy, materialistic American ways are partly to blame, so this year I am only asking for two presents.

1. A cupcake car

 2. ICON A5 His and Hers Sports Aircraft

 If your elves are too busy to make them, you can buy them at Neiman Marcus. Here are the details.

Customized Cupcake Car 

Put on your matching hat, slip under the muffin top of your Cupcake Car, and let the world figure itself out for awhile. Get (or give) the sheer, joyful chaos of a gift that is mind-blowing, triple-dog-dare, double-infinity forever cool. Make the kids or grandkids literally squeal with joy. Bring it to work and buzz the breakroom. Crash parades! Putter about the ‘hood. Ever had a crowd of kids chasing after you just for the crazy gleeful heck of it? (No worries, the top speed is a comfy-safe 7 mph) What’s it made of? A 24-volt electric motor, a heavy-duty battery, sheet metal, wire, fabric, wood…and mad genius. Launched at Burning ManSM as a cooperative art car project, the Cupcake Car sprang from the fevered mind of Bay Area artist Lisa Pongrace and her less-rules-more-laughs posse of artists and techno geeks. Yours will be tricked out with your favorite topping, so start thinking flavors.
$25,000.00

His & Hers 

May we officially present our exclusive 2009 His & Hers gift package: the game-changing ICON A5 sports aircraft. It’s from a world-class team of engineers and designers who helped create the groundbreaking Virgin® Global Flyer and X Prize®-winning SpaceShipOne® (among other things). It’s been rigorously tested, meets or exceeds all FAA standards, production is about to begin, and the waiting list is stacking way up. Here are just ten of it’s “WOW!” factors: 1) An amphibious hull and landing gear to take off and land just as easily on water as on land. 2) The ability to run on automotive gasoline or aviation fuel. 3) A sexy, streamlined two-seat interior with intuitive controls, including 4) FAA-approved flight instrumentation and 5) a state-of-the-art GPS system, so you don’t get lost. 6) A range of 345 land miles or 300 nautical miles. 7) A next-generation lightweight carbon fiber frame. 8) Spy-movie wings that rotate up and fold back out of the way. 9) Removable side windows to dangle your arms out into the wind and sun. 10) A custom, high-tech trailer for fast and easy loading and unloading from land or water. Your package includes one ICON A5 sport aircraft with NM exclusive exterior and interior luxury upgrades, a custom trailer, and full FAA-certified Sport Pilot License training for two. Load “your” song onto an MP3 player and slip it into the dashboard dock and there it is, the perfect way to float through the clouds, just the two of you.

$250,000.00

Thank you so much!

Love,

Julie

 When Bethany–self-proclaimed geek girl–makes the varsity cheerleading squad, she realizes that there’s one thing worse than blending in with the lockers: getting noticed. She always felt comfortable as part of the nerd herd, but being a member of the most scrutinized group in her school is weighing her down like a ton of textbooks.

Even her Varsity Cheerleading Guide can’t answer the really tough questions, like:

• How do you maintain some semblance of dignity while wearing an insanely short skirt?
• What do you do when the head cheerleader spills her beer on you at your first in-crowd party?
• And how do you know if your crush likes you for your mind or your … pom-poms?

One thing’s for sure: It’s going to take more than brains for this girl genius to cheer her way to the top of the pyramid.

 Doesn’t this book sound awesome?! And because Charity and Darcy are really nice I’m super-important and have connections in high places, I was able to wrangle a fun interview with the authors, Charity and Darcy! 

1. Is there a difference between a geek and a nerd? And if so, can nerds also succeed at cheerleading?

Darcy: Did you intend for me to go all etymological on you? Yes? Oh goody!The term geek may come from the Scottish word geck, meaning fool, and was coined as a term describing sideshow entertainers who performed ridiculous feats (like biting the heads off of live chickens). It is unclear who was the actual fool in the scenario though – the biter or the guy who paid cash money to see this happen.An alternate explanation of the term compares it to the word gauche, which is French for left and has come to mean awkward.Nerd, on the other hand, is a mystery word. No one can agree on where it came from. Some say Dr. Seuss just made it up for his book If I Ran the Zoo. Others say it owes its birth to the Northern Electric Research and Development Laboratories in Canada. N.E.R.D. Labs, get it? Still others say its true origins come from a group of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute students who did a compare and contrast on student activities on their campus in the 1960s. Their research showed two primary preferences: Frat Boy Types, otherwise known as drunk(s), and their opposite, the ones who actually attended class and did their homework, henceforth classified as knurd(s). Haha, see? It’s drunk spelled backward.In conclusion, geeks are generally left-handed people who prefer fresh poultry and nerds soberly research fictional zoo animals (but leave their heads intact). I hope this clears up any confusion.

Now, for part two of your question, can nerds succeed at cheerleading? Yes.

Charity: You know, sometimes Darcy just leaves you speechless. This would be one of those times.
 

2. Maxi dress or mini?
Darcy: Have you seen my thighs? Maxi all the way.

Charity: I’m going with the mini because 1) no one can see your combat boots if you’re wearing a maxi dress, and 2) it’s really hard to do much of anything except float around and look ethereal in a maxi dress.
 

3. Now that you have written a Geek Girls Guide to Cheerleading, don’t you think it’s only fair that you should write a Cheerleaders Guide to Geekiness?

Darcy: I believe Charity’s working on that right now, or something similar.

Charity: I am working on something called Dating on the Dork Side. However, as a book–and social experiment–it’s still a work in progress.
 

4. “High School was the best 4 years of my life. I would go back and do it again in a heartbeat.” Please pick the letter that best describes your feelings about this statement.

a) Agree

b) Disagree

c) are you smoking crack?

Darcy: C. Definitely. I had a lot of fun in high school but I would never (I repeat, NEVER) want to go through it again.

Charity: What Darcy said.
 

5. Zombie vs. Geek girl–who is victorious?
Darcy: Geek girl. For sure. Zombies are a formidable foe and one has to admire their relentless pursuit of brains — but they tend to lack the critical math skills necessary to determine the slope of a staircase. Without this knowledge they are incapable of climbing to higher ground, allowing geek girls to easily outmaneuver the zombie-folk and rain down geek fury upon them.

Charity: Definitely geek girl. She’s bound to have friends well-entrenched in zombie lore and would therefore be able to devise both a tactical and strategic plan for survival. And it’s well known that zombies have zero knowledge of geek lore. According to Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, this is a win for the geek girls. 6. How do Geek girls feel about tiaras?D: Along with Aqua-Net and Duck tape, geek girls consider tiaras essential in the fight against zombies. Plus, they sparkle.C: Tiaras are also sharp; they make good weapons.
 

7. Name your favorite geek celebrity.
Darcy: That cute kid from Juno, Superbad and Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist – Michael Cera. He’s funny and smart, and did I mention cute? He reminds me of all the best things about the boys I knew in high school.

Charity: I second the vote for Michael Cera. If you want old school geeky, I nominate Jeff Goldblum. Also, I feel compelled to report that the Geeky Dreamboats fan page on FaceBook has only 201 fans. This is a travesty. Log on and start clicking that Become a Fan button!
 

8. What’s next for you guys?

Darcy: World domination, or a cookout – whichever comes first.

Charity: All of the above, but while wearing a tiara, because they’re sparkly–and sharp.

First off, I’d like to express my admiration for your obvious talent at concealment. Not many ten thousand pound animals could hide out so close to a major highway within the city limits and remain undetected. Even the deer, who are actually indigenous to this area, have a hard time staying out of sight so, you know–kudos to you. Who knew elephants had ninja skills?

Of course, a few of our well-meaning friends and family members have suggested that you’re actually a good-sized dog–perhaps a labrador or  maybe a German Shepherd–but we both know that’s just what you want people to think.  Hence the way you broke into the detached garage and ravaged that 20 lb sack of  Purina Dog Chow that belongs to our real dogs. Who, unlike some people, are actually authorized to conduct their business in our yard.

Which, while we’re on the subject, is pretty big. Ten acres, to be exact. Lots and lots of space on which you could leave all kinds of presents and we would never, ever be the wiser. Yet you insist on ”surprising” us with these enormous packages right by the steps to the back door. And by the steps to the front door. And by my car. And on the way to the mailbox. And the sidewalk leading to the porch. And under the hummingbird feeders. Pretty soon our house will be an island surrounded by a sea of your presents.

You’re trying to finger the canine population for your crimes, but we both know that no mere dog is capable of these size gifts. You’re just trying to make people think I’m crazy. But I’m not! I’m not crazy! I’m going to find you Mr. Elephant and expose you to the world. You’ve been warned.

Sincerely,

JL