Dear Mr. Elephant Who Keeps Leaving “Presents” in Our Yard:

First off, I’d like to express my admiration for your obvious talent at concealment. Not many ten thousand pound animals could hide out so close to a major highway within the city limits and remain undetected. Even the deer, who are actually indigenous to this area, have a hard time staying out of sight so, you know–kudos to you. Who knew elephants had ninja skills?

Of course, a few of our well-meaning friends and family members have suggested that you’re actually a good-sized dog–perhaps a labrador or  maybe a German Shepherd–but we both know that’s just what you want people to think.  Hence the way you broke into the detached garage and ravaged that 20 lb sack of  Purina Dog Chow that belongs to our real dogs. Who, unlike some people, are actually authorized to conduct their business in our yard.

Which, while we’re on the subject, is pretty big. Ten acres, to be exact. Lots and lots of space on which you could leave all kinds of presents and we would never, ever be the wiser. Yet you insist on ”surprising” us with these enormous packages right by the steps to the back door. And by the steps to the front door. And by my car. And on the way to the mailbox. And the sidewalk leading to the porch. And under the hummingbird feeders. Pretty soon our house will be an island surrounded by a sea of your presents.

You’re trying to finger the canine population for your crimes, but we both know that no mere dog is capable of these size gifts. You’re just trying to make people think I’m crazy. But I’m not! I’m not crazy! I’m going to find you Mr. Elephant and expose you to the world. You’ve been warned.

Sincerely,

JL 

School days, school days,
Dear old golden rule days.
‘Readin’ and ‘ritin’ and ‘rithmetic …

It’s that time of year again boys and girls! Time to return to the hallowed halls of learning. School is back in session!

A part of me is nostalgic for those days–the nervous excitement as I waited in line to get my class schedule (please let me get lunch period with my friends) and locker assignment (pleeeeease don’t let me get a bottom locker underneath the fat guy with a flatulence problem). And another part of me is silently going “Thank God that’s over. I clawed my way out of the 9th circle of hell and lived to tell about it.”

Dramatic much, you say?

Mmmm…maybe, but I don’t think so. In fact, according to a recent study by the I’mtotallymakingthisup Institute, if forced to choose between returning to high school or being locked in a small room with Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag for  24 hours, 98% of high school graduates would opt for Speidi.

My friends, if that doesn’t prove high school can cause some serious trauma, I don’t know what does.

There are refugees who would rather go back to their war torn homelands than be in a small enclosed space with these . . . people? (Has anybody confirmed that Heidi and Spencer are actual humans? Because I’m not entirely convinced they aren’t sophisticated Japanese robots.)

So yes, high school can and does suck. Sometimes a lot. Mean girls, mean boys, idiot teachers, bullies, guys who break your heart–or worse–don’t notice you exist, cliques, homework, peer pressure–it’s all there. Anybody who tries to tell you different is lying. Or was homeschooled. 

On the flip side, though, high school can also be awesome. For all the usual reasons, but sometimes in a weird way its suckiness is what makes it awesome. You and your friends are all in it together, for better or worse. You know, like prison, or forced labor camp.

It’s hard to express the exact sentiment in a blog. So your homework assignment for this week is to obtain a copy of  The Breakfast Club, otherwise known as the best high school movie of all time, and watch it. Sure, it’s over 20 years old, but I promise you–it’s still relevant and you won’t be sorry. Plus, there will be a pop quiz on Monday. 

Come see me, people!! 

(Copied from the RWA website) 

The “Readers for Life” Literacy Autographing has become one of the most popular events at RWA’s annual conference. More than 500 romance authors participate in this two-hour autographing event, and each year we raise thousands of dollars, which are donated to ProLiteracy Worldwide. Since 1991, RWA has donated more than $600,000 to literacy charities.

The 2009 “Readers for Life” Literacy Autographing takes place on Wednesday, July 15, from 5:30-7:30 p.m. at the Marriott Wardman Park Hotel, Exhibit Hall. This event is open to the public; there is no admittance charge. Since the proceeds from this event are donated to charity, we ask that you purchase books at the event instead of bringing your own books. (RWA accepts cash, check, or credit/debit cards for book purchases at the event.) If you do bring books, please limit yourself to one or two books and consider making a cash donation to the cause.

Questions may be directed to Erin at efry@rwanational.org or 832-717-5200, Ext. 122.

 Come see me, you guys! I will be passing out candy and cheap costume jewelry. How can you resist?

No, really. Somebody come see me. Please. Because Nora Roberts is going to be there, which is really bad for all us other authors’ morale. Any time you’re at a signing with someone who has written 160 New York Times bestsellers and sells an average of 21 books EVERY MINUTE, you know you’re going to feel bad about yourself. Can you say lines of fans out the doors? Not to mention that I’m usually dying to leave my table and get in Nora’s line with them. Nora is a goddess. So someone please, come and visit my table so I don’t abandon my authorly duties and stalk Nora.

To see all the fabulous authors who will be there in addition to Nora (and me!) please click here.